It’s that time of year when I get frantic messages from desperate parents saying “Help! My child is so anxious about starting school!” Here are five tips on getting through the start of a new school year.

First, it’s important to note that anxiety in children can sometimes look like defiance, tantrums and acting out behavior, so don’t assume your child is not anxious because they aren’t displaying classic signs of anxiety like racing thoughts, nightmares or trouble sleeping. Anxiety is fear of the unknown, and going to a new classroom with a new teacher means that there are many unknowns for children. Setting up a meet-and-greet with the teacher and getting to walk around the classroom is always a fantastic idea if it’s an option. In addition, here are things a parent can do to help:

1. Validate and explain - Children often think they’re the only ones who are and have ever experienced this feeling. Let them know worrying about going back to school is VERY common (you can tell them an experienced child therapist told you so!) and that it just means that their brain is trying to protect them from things that they don’t know yet. Maybe even share a time you felt the same way (if you actually have - I don’t recommend lying as children often can tell).

2. Visualization - Have your child get comfortable in their chair and have them close their eyes and take a few deep breathes. In as much detail as you know, lead them through a guided visualization from the time they wake up in the morning to walking into their classroom on the first day. Give them time to imagine feeling calm, happy and confident as they imagine themselves doing these things. Let them know that they’re rehearsing the first day in their minds - how cool!

3. Focus on what they DO know - Friends that are in their class, their favorite table to sit at lunch, basketball at recess are all things that may be familiar and can be good to focus on when their head is swimming with fears of the unknown.

4. Relaxation techniques - never underestimate the power of deep breathing. Teach children to take slow inhales through their nose and slow exhales through their mouth to help lower their heart rate and let their body know that it’s safe.

5. Praise - once they make it through the first day (yay!) shower them with feel-good phrases like “You were scared and you were able to do it anyway! That’s amazing!” and “ You did it!” and “I know that felt uncomfortable but you were able to get through that feeling! How do you feel now?”

Raise your hand if this sounds familiar: It’s the first day of school and you’re excitedly waiting in your car in the school pick-up line to greet your children. You’ve been wondering ALL day about how things are going, and so as soon as they enter the car, you rattle off questions: how’s your new teacher? Who did you sit next to at lunch? What was your favorite thing about your new classroom?…

However instead of shiny, happy faces beaming back at you in the rear-view mirror telling you all about the wonderful day they had, they’re whining, complaining and sulking. Maybe kicking the back of your seat as well, just for good measure. Welcome to the After-School Restraint Collapse.

This phenomenon is certainly not limited to the first day (or week) of school. It can happen any time and all of the time and still be completely normal. It means that your child has been holding it together and has been on their best behavior all day, and now that they’re safe in the comfort of the car with YOU, they can let it go. It can be frustrating and difficult to hold all these feelings for them, in addition to managing the disappointment of your own expectations.

Here are three things you can do to manage the After-School Restraint Collapse:

1. Reframe the situation: Remind yourself that this likely means your child did an awesome job keeping it together at school and THAT is an accomplishment. It also means that you are their soft place to land, and isn’t that exactly what we want to be for our children?

2. Model coping skills: Take a nice deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth and turn the music down or change it to something soothing so that it’s not increasing stimulation or adding to the overwhelm for you or your child.

3. Resist the urge to join the chaos or give a lecture: Instead, make a simple comment about what you’re observing: “Wow, you have a lot of big feelings right now. I bet it’s hard to keep all of that in all day at school.”